wholewheatandrye's the name.

 the rumors are true
i'm fatally depressed
now, i've admitted it.

we all have made mistakes. but what mistakes change our lives and what mistakes are just fatalities? what mistakes kill another person? are these the only mistakes that matter? are these the only mistakes that God looks at? 

i've made a mistake. and i killed a little girl.
i cheated and i killed the little girl.
was i thinking about the little girl when i cheated? 
no, i was not.

i've never been a cheater. 
my whole life i was faithful.
until, jerome. 
maybe it was the moment, maybe it was the lingering aroma of your cigerettes in my room that i cannot stand that compulsively made me cheat.  maybe it was the moment that my phone vibrated on my thigh, pants down to my knees that i thought of you. but, i doubt it. i dont think you crossed my mind until it was too late. 

here comes the judgements.

you called maria.
you involved someone else. you cheated.
you told her what i had done. you told her that i killed a little girl. 
(THIS IS ART) 
she said "well, she shouldn't have run to him so quickly"
"bitch", i said aloud and as strongly as i could.
"BITCH."
maria is a bitch, now.
it's been four years, and all of a sudden i don't love you?

well, i thought to myself have i been in love before?
i guess not.

casualties: two little girls, DEAD ON ARRIVAL.

 i am at college now, and i've never been more beautifully hated, by myself and by you. 
i find that no one is really ever your friend. 
even the people that you've known since you were 15 are most likely no good for you.
i don't anything i guess.
i am a bottomless pit or am i a half empty cup of milk.
lactose (a horrible sugar) free type of milk of course.

i am always criticized.
i am always lost.
i cannot learn.
i cannot change.
i am milk.

i just wish she saw that she wasn't perfect too.
i wish she saw that she was messed up to me also.
i wish that jeffrey is the only person that i need for the rest of my life.
i really miss him, my biggest fear is when he gets back that he won't like me anymore.
is this even possible?

rozlyn baker, magnificent writer and half cup of ice cold milk was dumped.
------sounds like a new paper turning and the tight breath of air consumed by the reader when in shock.

i want to be jrs.dot.09-eternity.
yelp;help;kelp.

save our earth.

2349755
(rozlyn baker)

i have been defeated. i have been defeated by you, myself, the employees of the Apple Store, everyone that ever lied and said they would help me get ready for the most unprepared experience of my life; college. I dont want to go to college not even a little. Im not the least bit curious to see other girls that go there. I dont want to know girls that attend Brenau, honestly i dont give a fuck. All i want was a Macbook PC. Will i be getting a mac? No, i dont have enough money to pay for a Mac with no support of my family, buy my books with no support of my family, buy linnens and other bullshit to make a year of hell comfortable with no help of anyone and i expect to be asked for money along this joyous ride. I have almost a week left until I leave and i have had many a virus and stomach condition that leads me to only want to stay home that much more. I feel like the system has failed me. Who do i have? no one. Who will be there to greet me? no one. i would rather die than continue to live and be in fear and hate my life the way i do. between the hrs of 11am and 9pm i am alone left to my drothers. today i will lay in bed all day crying until i fall back asleep. i will recieve a call from Sharon and be forced to drag myself from the bed and go to hang out with her. Im greatful to go for Sharon. I will return home after having a rather hum drum day because Sharon tires easily and likes to sleep a lot. I will then be sent back into my boring spiral downward. I cannot listen to a full song on this stupid son of a bitch computer all the way through without this piece of shit laptop stoping and starting and not being able to load a goddam song completly. I am beyond livid. All i want is a MAC not a lecture about why another computer is the same quality for less money or why i should be able to pay for it bc i have been working for almost 2 years. I really could care less all i asked for was money and one sympathy vote. i dont care that im only paying for a brand bc from what i see and hope i only have to live once and i may as well get the shit i want. fuck books. im getting a MAC and everyone can fuck off. I hate everyone and i dont want to be bothered with anyone today besides my only friend that understands me Sharon. I hate my life and i would enjoy going to hell or even the pergatory haus anything is better than this seriously. I want to off myself and it become more and more of a reality that i can everyday when i wake up again, exhausted, alone, sad and depressed. fuck off.

today was the worst day ever. i've probably written that so many times in my journal entries that its pathetic but im sure that today took the cake. i thought about her all day. im not sure if its because he mom had something to say about her and was constantly talking about her but i thought about her. i thought about texting her. i thought about spending time with her. i thought about how i could weasel her into the conversation and not sound like i was being suspicious. i missed her today. i dont know if it was the time between Daniel sending me possibly the most pathetic drunken text message ive ever read or Holly hanging up on me numerous times and not even calling back once that she, you popped into my head but you did. Im beyond confused at this point this is a main problem. Why cant i be your main squeeze?

you say that you pull away and i cant help but agree. your touch is no longer near and i dont know anymore what i want to do. i cant bring myself to be with anyone else while our fate dangles in the balance. forced conversations seem to always be right around the corner. i talk, you hear, not listen but hear. you cannot even make out words at this stage of the process. you are so withdrawn that all you hear is a familliar voice on the other end of the reciever but not the feeling and meaning behind what is being said and spoken. you acknowledge that you push me away and now we have reached an new level of the experience. are we going left of wrong? or write? i went write and i can only hope she doesnt go wrong. its all about my eyeliner. its all about the brand i wear. its all about my eyeliner. isnt it? what will happen when the game is over? you fight and push the end for the eyeliner visionary.

make up your fucking mind.